weekend when all the days are the same

does it actually matter that i'm still wearing pants daily?

hello.

i didn’t sleep much last night. my insomnia has been as bad as it can get these two weeks. and the sadness underlying the anxiety is starting to show through the cracks.

how are you doing? what is holding you up right now? who is holding you up right now?

at the risk of sounding like a broken record: if you are not taking COVID-19 seriously and are still going out for non-essentials, please stop. here are some facts. (if you’re super anxious and taking this seriously already, don’t read these, thanks.)

ok i’m done lecturing.

——

i planted seeds on Thursday. they started sprouting today (Saturday)—so quickly. i am enthralled and delighted. how did they do that? what magic is this? all i want to think about is what i will do for the garden i am planning in the new place. (uh, yeah, i’m supposed to move during all this, closer to school. how the hell that will go, i will find out.) i will be planting a big garden. and i’ll have a spare bedroom. if i already told you this in a note here, i’m not sorry. i’m so excited.

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i don’t have a lot to say right now but i am thinking about you and i love you—my community may be extremely scattered but this week has been full of everyone holding each other close and being kind and open. tenderness goes so fucking far, doesn’t it?

i’ve been doing a lot of tarot readings for people, in an attempt to offer something to meditate on other than the news. it’s been really good—everything feels more charged right now and tarot is no exception. one reading for a stranger who listens to the podcast was a three card draw and the cards practically yelled that she needed to get sober. sure enough, she responded to the reading (i’ve been doing them over the Marco Polo app) with “thanks, i’ll recommit to Al Anon this week.”

tell me how you are, tell us about your heart and your days? tell me how angry you are that people aren’t taking this seriously or how thankful you are that you’re quarantined with someone you love. tell me if you need help getting through being quarantined with someone abusive. all of the things.

(there’s a comments section on these things now, snazzy)

——

the one thing i can’t get out of my head is how overly strong emotional reactions in public company are often labeled as hysterics, which pulls on a societally groomed misogyny switch that has trained us to not take “hysterics” seriously. i wonder if this is why we aren’t in total lockdown yet as a nation. i wonder how many people will die because they didn’t want to be overreacting. we mock people for intense reactions, and now this grooming is our biggest liability.

——

hugs.

eve

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